Being with Theo, our bodies joined, taught me how to sit, listen, rest. Pregnancy overwhelmed my mind, taking over my body. It was so refreshing to do only what little boy Theo wanted. Sit, eat, lie down, walk, stand, sleep, yoga, sing.

Now I still try to hear what other people are saying, what I am needing, what the world is crying for, where the mountains are calling me. Its peaceful and now, its another little gift from my sweet boy. And tonight I can hear the house. I can hear the sounds of my own cries and anguish, reverberating back. My tears have been private, the deep expanse of my pain mostly contained in this home. It held me and heard me, not judging in return. These walls have supported me when I scream that its not fair. Its waters have let me wallow in my grief, and then washed away the mess.

Thank you old house. Everyone needs a spot to release their load, you carried it with ease. With Love and Gratitude, Emily


Return to church

I walked back in and my knees went weak, I was hot and faint and I felt like a foreigner. Would God accept me back, in the very spot we laid baby Theo to rest?

As we took our seats, I noticed a clear view to my favorite piano man, belting out sweet hymns. As his voice rose and fell to the rhythm, my heart slowly opened. His face was all joy, the same joy that was in Theodore’s face.

I sat and I stood, I kneeled and I sang, I listened and then……I prayed.

Lord, help me walk.

The muscles relaxed, my mind eased a bit and I stood to put one foot ahead of the other.