A last lovely night in Colorado, crickets sounding their night call, the air clear and temperate. I’ve picked my spot on the swinging bench, trying to memorize this. I remember when Theo was alive that my fear was forgetting all the details. What if I lost his scent or the color on the wall or the name of his favorite nurse or the places he was ticklish? Panic, dread. For I knew it would come, God made this human body incapable of storing all the gifts He gives us. We need Him to remember. And I do still remember, Theo’s hair is a feeling on my fingers that I can still feel. Theo’s crib had Care Bare blankets. Theo had a soft cry, the sound still ringing in my ears when its quiet enough.
I ask God again, please memorize this home and this place for me. Guard it in my heart. Each place you go and break bread and hold new hands, these places keep a part of your heart. I can leave it here, along with part of my son, to plant and grow. To keep loving this community of blessed people, mountains and adventures.
I left my heart in Colorado.
Blessed walks. The morning and Madeline and me.
Theo would not have been able to walk most likely. At least thats what I understand from the mysterious wasteland of neuroscience. With only 10% of a brain and that 10% being “highly disorganized,” all things I know, do and understand instinctually would be impossible for my little man.
But every morning his tiny, precious soul is with me.
No need to understand mom. God lets me walk, right here with you. Deep in your heart.
Thank you Theodore. I am so happy to be your momma.
Yesterday morning Sean and I attended a military adoption fair. The many emotions that flooded across my heart….sorrow, encouragement, anxiety, overwhelmed, called. The sure, strong voice says I just want Theodore! There is no other child for me. But I grab Sean’s hand and remind the both of us that Theo needs siblings. Theo needs other little boys and girls to teach his story of infinite love to.
Of all the emotions I feel when thinking about adoption, the one that fills me with gratitude is called. Life before Theodore was not one of callings. It was one of wanderings and seeking. Suddenly my ears and heart are open to the 163 million orphans in the world. And this is just what God calls each of us to do.
“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” James 1:26-27
And now hope is creeping back into my blood. We are in talks with an agency we met at the adoption fair, and might start the home study soon. Someday Theodore, Sean and I can make that number 163 million minus one (or two or three or four)!