Community

This weekend we had the great joy of celebrating and sharing in the fundraising party of a lifetime. Our friends are knee deep in the adoption process, hoping to bring home two kids from Ethiopia soon. Just this past Friday this couple was told by their adoption agency that they owed nearly $4,000 for the next step in the process. The next day friends gather, food is shared, great home made beer is brewed and $4,000 is raised. There is no doubt, God is in this adoption.

Its a lovely story to be a part of and to watch, much like I feel about the community who has shared in the life and death of our son Theo. Our process was ugly and sad and beautiful and moving, and still yet people so deeply yearned to share in it with us. Some days we had the urge (and we still do) to hide away and hold Theo to ourselves, unwilling to share him. But then a friend would call and say, “I just really want to be with him, can I come visit?” Or my mom, “I need my Theo fix!” And then a sister “helping the only way she knew how to” by setting up a Caring Bridge website. Every day Theo said, open your arms, I have more to love.

I was uncomfortable and exposed, but Theo gave me much more in return. He taught me that community means investing in each other’s lives. Through the pain and suffering that cause ugliness. Through the beauty that comes from life shared. The people who have committed to getting on the same sidewalk as me and walking through this grief, have felt the deep loss but have also known the great beauty and love of my son. Co-workers, family, strangers and friends are investing in our community…there is always plenty to be grateful to Theo for!

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Today’s Death

Today, this day, one year ago my sweet boy died in my arms. Theodore picked his spot in God’s playground and peacefully took it.

As I sit in the yard you never got to play in, I can feel you here. Your death gives me a glimpse of heaven, my own little slice while still here breathing, living , sorrowing, aching, sharing. The trees’  new leaves create shadows on the lawn, moving with the breeze. Its the movement of heaven, kids and grandparents and lovers and friends playing in God’s playground. These shadows of death, romping in the heavens.

My son gives me these gifts.

Thank you sweet boy, mama can’t wait to join you someday for good.

 

Heartache

Try as I might, my heart will never fill. That sweet spot for you my son, is all yours. Can daddy fill it? Oh, how he tries. Bless your loving father, baby Theo. Can all the blue waters filled with all the fish in the sea fill your spot? No, my heart still swims. And what about Madeline your puppy sister? She curls up in the arch of my tummy, filling the spot you once rested for 9 months and yet there is still that ache for you my boy.

Never will the warm sunshine cover your spot, never will another baby cradle the hole in my heart.

I keep it for you. Filled with all the earthly pain of missing you and still more joy from loving you.