Anniversaries

I am searching for just the thing that will feel right on my heart. What to do on the day of Theo’s birth? On the days of Theo’s death? And what to do for 24 days in between.

A dear friend reminded me that others want to remember him, his love and his life. Do I let people in? Can I share this with the world? My heart wants to crawl back in bed and hide my face from the world for 24 days. Skip work. Don’t cook. Leave the dishes in the sink. Turn my phone off. Boycott the gym. Forget everything and let go of the guilt.

But then I remember how we shared Theodore’s life with the world. We let visitors come to the hospital to meet him when I preferred to hoard him all to myself. My sister made a website for hundreds to watch his story. I could not bring myself to look at this site for months after he died, agonizing over having shared him when I wanted to be selfish. But my little boy could not hide his face from the world, he just squeezed his way through his mother’s tight grip and let everyone feel his love. If it were up to me I would have hid. But Theo in his 7 pound body had his own plan. He called on all the angels in heaven and shouted to the earth, “Come meet me! I have love to share!”

So this one year after his life and his death, the purpose is clear. Share his life, share Theodore’s story and his love. When I stop and listen, I can hear my son leading my heart. I will take days off of work and I will skip the gym when I need rest. I will let others help me cook and scrub the piles of cleaning needing to be done. Theodore’s friends always want to help.

And I will slow my pace to the rhythm of Theo’s heart.

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